Carpe Diem

The semester is coming to a quick close and summer is fast approaching. 5 days of Finals stand between me and San Diego. As the days pass I’m packing my belongings together so I won’t have to worry about it later. Walls that were once covered in pictures and inspirational words have been taken down. Now every time I walk into my room I’m greeted with the clutter of boxes, suitcases, and containers as well as empty white walls.

This is bittersweet.

Whatever happens between now, the summertime, and next fall, I will take away wonderful memories and growing experiences. I’ve made great friends and grew into a person that I never thought I could be.

All by the grace of God.

Now that the year is over, a popular question is: How have you grown spiritually?

Well…

I haven taken a leap of faith. I have run and jumped so far and so blindly into the great unknown (the farthest I’ve ever gone) that it was my only prayer that God would meet me at the other side of the chasm.

Boy…has he met me.

I have learned humility. I have a complex for a need to be listened to an in charge. I have learned that it’s not about leadership. It’s about being a follower of Christ. Be the best follower you can be. It’s okay if you stumble and fall, get up and continue harder, faster, and better.

I’ve learned that ultimately, God is in control. This can be such a “duh” statement, but I am learning the full weight of that concept. Whatever He wants, He can do! He can take you up out of San Diego county and plop you into King county. He can give someone else a leadership position that you want and randomly put you in charge of other things. He can take you from once place, and put you in another place with another person and it’s exactly right. He can give you scholarships and He can take them away. He can grown and stretch you in ways that you could never imagine. HE IS IN CONTROL!

With my year coming to an end…I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m not ready.

I have God.

That promise alone sustains me.

So, for all the friends I’ve made at Northwest, good luck on your finals, it’s been a blast!

For all the friends in San Diego…I’m coming back soon! Prepare yourself!

In Christ,

Serena.

He>i

*Ignoring the part where I haven’t written anything on this blog in the past month. . .*

While telling his incredible story, my friend said that he believes that God wants us to fight for the things we want. At the time, I nodded and smiled, not really expecting that comment to mean so much to me as it does now.

This past weekend has been very eventful…even if I spent the majority of my Friday and Saturday moping.

It started on Friday when I found out that I wasn’t accepted to be part of NUMA. For those of you that don’t know, NUMA is a missions leadership team at my school. I applied for the positions of Outreach and Lifegroup director. Since the moment I submitted my application, there was nothing more I wanted than to be in either of those positions. When 5 o’clock finally rolled around and I checked my e-mail to find out the results, it was like the wind was knocked out of me when I read “if you’ve received this e-mail we’re sorry to inform you that you have not been selected…”. Even though I had been expecting words along those lines since I bombed my interview, it was hard to see it in writing.

Doing my best to accept the words and move on, I inserted myself back into the whirlwind of make-up, colorful dresses, and chaos as girls rushed up and down the hall preparing for Evening (which is like prom, but without dancing) that would start in a few hours. After carefully applying make-up and having one of my good girl friends excellently curl my hair I lacked confidence in how I looked. After slipping into my dress and stepping into my 3-4 inch bright red heels, my smile couldn’t reach my eyes. Throughout the night, despite reassurances from friends and even a homeless man who hit on me (O_0) in the streets of Seattle nothing could take the insecurities away. Looking at the pictures of that night, in the majority of them, I can easily tell that I’m not there mentally.

On Saturday the sun shined warmly and brightly over campus and spent the majority of my afternoon outside soaking in the vitamin D. Even then, I was still upset, but not only at not getting the position but also at how I acted the night before. Even after talking to a good friend from home and reading a convicting passage in the Bible, I wasn’t convinced. I wanted to mope and I wanted to stay pessimistic.

So I did.

I sat outside in the sun with a long face. Then when it got too cold, I lied in my room with a long face.

A few hours of this dramatic pessimism passed and it was time to do something about it. Sitting there in my anger and sadness I thought about it. I knew realistically in a week’s time I’d be smiling and laughing again. Just a few days ago I was feeling ridiculously blessed knowing that I’d be in the Student Apartments next year, thus saving well over $1000. Yet when things don’t go my way, I throw a silent tantrum. It’s time for me to learn to praise God and recognize Him even in “hard times”.

Today is a much better day.

I can say with 100% sincerity that those chosen for NUMA are absolutely perfect. I have many things I can say about not being NUMA, but that wouldn’t be right. Above all reasoning is God’s perfect planning and who can argue with that?

As for my insecurities…those are still my battles.

I wanted NUMA, and just because I wasn’t chosen to be a recognized representative, doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being involved in ministry. I’m still going to throw my whole heart into what I do with homeless ministry and Embargo and the NU community.

Back to my insecurities…I could continuously lie down and let myself fall into a pit of despair, believing that I’m not good enough physically or mentally or spiritually. Instead I choose to fight and hold on to who God says I am.

In the end, it’s not about holding a prestigious position or about needing to be complimented on spending 2 hours dressing up. While those things are nice, the most important thing is knowing who I am in Christ. While I’m still recovering from these trials, I consider them joy because I’m only going to continue with the heart and passion God gave me. I’m going to finish this semester strong. I’m going to continuously throw all that I am onto God and His ministry. If that means fighting to the faith and fighting to stay optimistic, and fighting for a real smile than so be it. Even if I’m still hurting over things I consider silly, I choose to wake up tomorrow with gladness and joy. These are what I want and that is definitely worth the fight.

Bring it, last 2-3 weeks of the semester!!

In Christ,

Serena

Spring Break 2012

The break wasn’t the break I had in mind. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to my San Diego home for the week so friends and I came up with numerous plans. A road trip! A week away at a friend’s house! Canada! Portland! I even thought about going to Oregon and staying with family. Yet one by one, each plan disintegrated and none of them happened. What actually ended up happening was me staying at school while the campus turned into a ghost town. For the first day or two a couple friends and I would sit in the girls’ kitchen and look out the windows, getting excited every time we saw the signs of other human life.

No, this break wasn’t what I had in mind at all.

Yet it was a great break nonetheless.

First and foremost, there was no school. Praise the Lord for that! Secondly, what made this week pretty glorious (1. I’ve been using the word “glorious” a lot lately…weird. 2. this is probably more important than my first point) were the people! There were a handful of other people staying on campus too and it was wonderful getting to know them! Some of the people were friends I met at the beginning of first semester and it has been wonderful staying up until 3 in the morning playing poker and getting to know them better. Also, it was SO GOOD actually meeting people that I’ve only seen walking around campus. If it wasn’t for this break, I would probably never talk to them. Can we say serendipitous? :D

So, as the week quickly comes to a close and I’m scrambling to do homework, I’m going to say that this break wasn’t ideal. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m walking away with two overflowing handfuls of wonderful memories with wonderful people that I am so blessed to know better. I’m walking away with a sore stomach from laughing so hard and a bruised knee and chest from tripping over my friend, bringing her down with me, because we played basketball in the dark.

Can you see how God’s worked in this week? I can! It may seem silly to some, but I believe God had this planned out all along.

Thank You, God.

So that’s my quick update for the time being! :D

Through Christ,

Serena

P.s. that’s a picture from the first day of break. That’s Seattle, waay in the background. Lake Washington in the foreground. B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L

Transformed?

Maybe this is an entry for those who have known me for years (Jaymie, Tyler, Natalie, family…etc.), but this in general is an entry for everyone who invests in my life.

I am constantly blown away by the grace and love of God. By His grace, I am…transformed?

Today, and on a handful of other occasions, people have told me I am different. Just today I was talking with a couple of wonderful guys who I am so blessed to call brother in Christ and I was sharing a bit about my past. I said I used to be so angry. I used to fly off the handle at the smallest thing. One of them raised an eyebrow at me and kind of chuckled. He said, “Serena, that’s really hard to believe. I just can’t see you angry, at least, not seriously!” My other friend agreed. “Yeah,” he said. “You’re so nice and motherly. I don’t believe you either.”

Me being me laughed at them. “I’m serious,” I insisted. “I’m always angry!” I punctuated my point by a mock punch to the arm and a squeal (typical Serena. I am known for my squeaks.) Which produced another round of “no ways”.

Then today I was talking with my roommate. She and my usual group of friends don’t interact and I was telling her about my choice to be “truly single” for a year and she paused from straightening her hair and smiled at me. “Serena,” said Tootsie, “you have matured so much since the beginning of the first semester. It’s so neat to see.”

At that I was speechless.

On other occasions I’ve been told “you just seem so wise beyond your years!” or “when we first met, you just have a look of wisdom”.

And before my best friend left for Nigeria (I miss her so much!), she wrote a letter, saying that I’m “happier” and more patient. I will admit that I cried a little at the letter, but in a way I brushed it off because I don’t see the difference in me. Sure maybe I see a little more patience, but I still think I’m the same human. I mean tell me, if you’ve known me for at least 3 years, am I different? Do you see change in me?

I’m not writing this to brag, and I am not writing this in pride.

Instead, I am writing this in awe.

I am so incredibly blessed by God!

As a matter of fact….I kind of feel like Paul. I am no where as wise as he, and although I have not persecuted Christians in my past, I am not blameless. I know who I was before Christ stole my heart.

All this change that’s happened, it is only by the grace of God. I didn’t do anything on my own. I didn’t wake up one morning and said to myself “Serena, today you are going to be patient!” Instead, it was Jesus who took my heart. Yes, I uttered prayers through tears when I was disgusted by my actions, words, and heart, but it was and is Christ Jesus who says “Serena, don’t count yourself out yet. Look at what I am doing in you.”

I am so blessed.

I will admit this too. One day, I want to be a woman that people will look at and say she lives in the Lord. She is filled with passion, patience, gentleness, kindness and love.

I know that there’s still a lot of ickyness in me that needs to go. I need to stop putting myself on a high horse sometimes…but it is by the grace and power of our wonderful savior that I can dare to say I am becoming that woman!

Praise Him who redeems!

Through Christ,

Serena

Less Talk & More Walk

Take a moment to imagine your biggest dream. Close your eyes if you must. Think about that thing you want more than anything. Do you have that mental image? Do you see that dream so clearly that it’s almost tangible?

Now that you have that dream in your head, I want to tell you mine. If you know me even slightly well, you’ll know my biggest dream. I want to be married. I don’t dream of the wedding often but I dream of being in a marriage with a strong, passionate, spiritual leader who is benevolent and who loves Christ more than he loves me. In this marriage I see us working in some sort of ministry, usually youth. I see us working together as a team opening up our home and being a place of refuge for this kids who need an extra couple of people to love on them and be an example of a healthy Christ-centered love. Maybe this dream comes from my real life experience drawing from an important family that has been there for me since my senior year of high school, loving on me when my world fell apart. Either way, it’s always been my desire to be a wife. Sometimes I see him and I (side note: when I say “see him” I don’t actually picture anyone…weird how that works) dancing around our kitchen and being weird…but completely us.

With my heart now revealed you can make fun of my dreams all you like, but that’s okay. I want to be real with you.

Are you wondering why we’re talking about this? Let’s start at the beginning:

12 days ago I started a challenge along with many other NU students called the “Live Dead” challenge. It’s a 30 day devotional that consists of us tithing our time to God (spending 2.5 hours a day reading the Bible, praying, etc.). All the while, we are praying for the unreached Eastern African people groups. Did you know 40% of the world doesn’t know Christ?

40%

There are 7 billion people on this planet.

Let that idea sink in for a minute.

Before I started Live Dead I prayed that God would rip me to pieces. I prayed for my walls to crumble and for my heart to break and that I would come undone for the 30 days, that by the end I would be stitched back together with a new heart and new perspective. So far I have learned a few things, but these two ideas are sticking with me:

1. I need to let go of my dream.
If we’re friends on Facebook, you’ve probably seen that my information has been changed to “single”. I was single before, but I just didn’t put it for people to see because I’m weird. While I’ve been praying I’ve come to the decision to live a year “truly single”. This means that I won’t be living in the singleness I’ve been living in for the past 4-5 years where I’ve been “waiting for my knight” or thinking “I’m not good enough for a man”. No, the “true singleness” I’m dedicating myself to for this next year is dedicating my life to the Lord. He will move me where He pleases. I’ll learn to be okay with that. In order for this to happen, I need to die to my biggest dream and stop idolizing it. I can accomplish so much while single. It’s time I stop talking about “what I could accomplish” and it’s time for me to start going out and living it! It is still my prayer to be married, but for the next year, that dream is going away in a box in a forgotten attic. It’s going to be hard, especially when friends get into relationships and I find interest in handsome men of God….My spirit is willing, but my body is weak. I rely on Christ for strength.

2. I will die to myself every day.
Around day 10, I had my breaking point. Until then, everyday there has been a slow tear in my heart as my seems slowly came undone. Day 10 was the day I was ripped in half when I was posed with the question: can I die for Christ and the faith? I’d like to say yes. For the most part, I can say it with confidence. I don’t fear physical death too much. I know physical pain will give way to joy. Instead, I fear death because I fear leaving loved ones behind. Especially those that don’t know Christ. I don’t want to leave them angry at God because I’m gone (I feel only my family would be angry…I’m not that popular!). Once I realized that I could be willing to die for Christ….I wondered….why am I not living for Christ?
Many of us, at least I know it’s true for myself, can say we’ll die for what we love, then why aren’t we/I living for it? Why does someone have to identify me as a Christian because of what I wear, or the things I write? Why does my walk and my talk not reflect the One who gave me life? I don’t know about you, but I can no longer live numb to the precious gift I’ve been given. Everyday I want to learn to live dead to myself and rise in life with Christ.

Well, there’s my heart for you.

Through Christ,

Serena

P.s. school’s great and stuff….yep. :)

Selah

The first week of school was completed with a 3-day weekend. However, instead of waking up Tuesday morning and trudging up the highest hill of my university at 8:45 A.M. while it is below 45 degrees, we were all greeted by the sight of sparkly magical snow covering everything at school.

Not only was there a snow day on Tuesday (my first snow day EVER), there was one today and there is one tomorrow! Instead of a 3-day weekend, we’re blessed with a 6-day weekend! While I’m getting used to and loving this magical weather, I do admit it is bittersweet. I love that there’s no school and I get to sleep in. I especially love that the snow days are happening at the beginning of the semester so there’s not much to work to catch up on. I love spending extra days relaxing instead of being on a “let’s go let’s go let’s go!!” schedule.

It’s bitter because there is a lot of ice on the roads and I’m terrified for the drivers out there who have to get to work or go places–this is the worst storm Seattle’s seen in a couple of years so people aren’t used to it. It’s bitter because I’m not earning income. It’s bitter because I did not pay thousands of dollars to sit on my butt and not learn and all the professors will make us catch up on our work like crazy.

In this extra time I have off, I’ve spent a lot of my time sitting bundled in my purple blanket staring out windows. In every moment as I watch the snow fall or as I watch ice melt in shinning drops off picturesque branches, I am reminded in every instance to take a moment and simply thank God.

Thank God, for as silly as it seems, that there’s no school. During these snow days it has been my delight to see schoolmates, professors, and neighbors from the community come together to build giant snowmen, race down hills on sleds, build forts, chat in front of the fire, or watch movies together in ways that wouldn’t happen if school was in session.

I thank God for the moment when I looked out the window and saw this little squirrel running around on a snow covered dumpster. I was momentarily sad because it’s such a cute little creature and I felt bad for it. Then I was reminded that it would be taken care of. That squirrel will find what it needs–it will be provided for, just as we are provided for. I thank God that He loves us more than He loves cute little squirrels.

I thank God for the staff that works at the Caf, those who brave ice, snow, and terrible drivers to come and feed us. I was talking to Mary, one of the employees, and she was terrified of driving with ice of the roads. Thank God she got to and from work safely!

Selah.

There’s something magical about snow. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know it’s there waiting to be discovered. It’s like the world has been reborn in the quiet stillness of the white night. Or it’s like every footstep in the 3-5 inch deep snow tells a story and I want to hear it all.

There’s something about the quiet majestic way in which the snow falls that makes me pause what I’m doing and simply stare out the window in awe. Even now, as I’m typing this, I find myself overcome with the need to take a minute and simply listen and wait.

I believe every opportunity in my life is a chance to learn and be taught by only the greatest teacher ever: Christ. And maybe that’s what I’m taking away from these few days outside of the classroom. Instead of rushing to cram every last bit of information about the Hellenistic period or what culture is into my memory, I need a lesson in taking a break and simply resting in the beauty that God creates.

Round 2!

Being back in Kirkland is a bittersweet feeling. My time at home was wonderful, it was great seeing friends and family and seeing God move in them during my time away. While I’m excited for this new semester to begin, I once again, miss my San Diego home. I can’t wait to see everyone again, summer vacation, and my mission trip to Thailand!

Until then, I know that relatively soon I will get caught up in academics, work, my friends here–pretty much my Kirkland home will become my main focus again. However, I do have one important resolution for this next semester:

• Keep in touch with everyone back home!! I did such a bad job last semester. This semester I want to be able to make phone calls to my brothers and sisters once a month, call my mom once a month, have skype sessions with friends who have skype, text/facebook friends often. I know it will be unfair to my best friend that I’m doing this because I should have done it last semester, but I don’t think I fully realized how bad I was until I really thought about it. -.-

Aside from that, I’ll be focusing more on my studies, growing closer to God, and maintaining friendships here…hopefully I’ll be able to squeeze sleep into this schedule as well!

One last note…For the month of February I think I’m going to start a fast…more on that later.

Through Christ,

Serena

I’m Gonna Call It Home

On that first day I sat with my feet close to the edge of the lake, making sure my feet wouldn’t touch the water, but close enough that when there was  a powerful wave I would be sprayed with the mist. Looking to the sky, the brilliant blue had faded, giving way to a dazzling pink and orange as the sun set and city lights across the lake grew brighter. On the first day, the first sunset of my new Washington life, I found myself smiling and thinking “this could be home”.

Now, nearly four months later, I can’t believe I’m leaving home…for home!

It has been an eventful few months here in the grand, pacific Northwest! School has been fantastic in every way possible. Academically, it has been a challenge, but I will finish….I will finish, that’s all I can say (and do better next semester)!

Academics is not what makes this magical little community of college kids home. What makes Kirkland, WA home for me are the people and the adventures we have.

I remember that even before I got to Northwest every time I talked to someone about college they always said to me “you’re going to make the best friends you’ve ever had there”. I just kind of smiled and nodded. I agreed that I would make friends, but I had all the best friends I needed in San Diego!

Yet, somehow and somewhere along the way my heart has been stolen. Somewhere between the talks by the fire, four-hour trips to hometowns, Bible studies, watching movies in the back of a car, building forts, starting a band, praying for each other, revealing secrets that no one else heard, countless adventures, stomachache inducing laughter, and nearly-all-nighters, a bunch of zany people made a new home for me. I am blessed to call these lovely girls and guys my close friends.

Now that the semester is drawing to a close and everything is piling on top of each other making the light at the end of the tunnel almost impossible to see, I look forward to going back to San Diego and all my great friends there. Yet with the end of each week and the dawn of Christmas holidays within my reach, I am overwhelmed with an unexpected sadness.

I am going to miss Northwest and the people here. I’m going to miss the cold weather and the stunning sunsets. I’m going to miss home.

Home.

Who thought I could call this place home? This place so far from all that I know and all that I’m used to. Who thought I would end up loving it so much?

Looking back on the struggles I had in the beginning of the year, I am amazed how God has comforted me through it all, blessing me with friends I want to see ten, twenty, thirty years from now. He’s blessed me with new joys each morning to get through the days so that even long days go by quickly. He’s blessed me with stunning views of His creation to uplift my spirit. When I am stopped and in awe of the scenery around me, I can almost hear a whisper in my heart. A still, small voice telling me “I am with you.“

Always, I am brought back to the very first promise that brought me here “I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go.” Which is kind of what the picture represents. Even though I’m pointing to Oregon instead of Washington, the idea is still the same. Wherever I end up, I know it’s not by accident (unless a GPS tries to kill me…..), it’s a God thing, and I know, the same promises that brought me home to Northwest will bring me home to Oceanside/Vista/Carlsbad, and will bring me to wherever I go afterward. And, ultimately, the same promises will lead me home to my future in heaven.

So.

Kirkland, WA.

San Diego, CA.

Oregon.

Thailand.

Heaven.

Wherever I am, as long as God is there and I am with Him, I am home.

 

My Story

Once upon a time there was a girl with long luscious hair. Her name was Serena. Serena was a prisoner of Satan.

This is my story.

For most of my high school life I struggled with depression. I went through different stages: I believed emotions were useless, just a tool of weakness. I believed there was nothing good in me, I wanted to die. I was numb. Everything in me was chaotic. I took it out on everyone around me, wondering if I could be loved despite my faults. I believed I couldn’t be.

Then I got into self-infliction, cutting just enough for the blood to well up and scars to remain. I would pick at those scars, tearing them open to watch drops of blood seep out. That was what I was good for. Hurting myself. Sometimes when that wasn’t enough, I took matches and lit them, blew them out, and while they were still hot I would press them against my skin. Oh yes, I did feel the pain but pain was what I deserved. After all, why should I care about me when no one else did?

I questioned God.

I’ve been to Sunday school since I was a little girl so I knew all the stories. Creation, Noah’s Ark, Job. I knew there was a God…somewhere out there. He wasn’t my God though. He wasn’t my savior. Just someone to fear.

In spite of all this, I was a quiet one, hoping, even praying, that one day, someone would tell me they loved me and would never leave me. That I would be worth it to someone. Until then, I was empty, broken, searching.

With darkness within and chaos on the outside, a dear friend led me to church after (give or take) a year of running away from it. I was determined to hate it with every fiber in my being.

Plan of hatred = fail.

It was there I learned that there was a personal Love. A Love like no other. A love that would fill the soul and quench the thirst. It was at this church that I learned there was Someone who would love me and never leave me. Someone willing to die for me. Someone dying to tell me I’m worth it. His name is Jesus.

It was in my senior year that I faced a battle still to come.

The darkness left and the broken pieces began to heal. What was once my weakness started to become my strength. Where there was sorrow and negativity, streams of joy and buds of optimism began to grow all thanks to the One who Saves.

Yet…I was still a prisoner.

Every step I took away from my curled, protective fetal position, my captivator continued to yank on my chain, reminding me that I was still imperfect. I was still ugly.

I stopped eating.

I remember one day it got so bad that I thought I would pass out driving home because I lacked nourishment.

This time, I saw the effect I had not on me, but on people, my dearest friends. The looks they gave me, the sadness and anger in their eyes. Ultimately, not only them, I saw Jesus and the ways I was hurting Him.

Turning my insufficiency to the One who saved me not too long ago, I began to get better again.

And the years went on.

As the years went on, Serena found herself in Kirkland, WA where she knew God had led her.

This is where I am today. Far from the girl who was, but not yet finished. Where there was despair, there is now hope.

That is my story, one of hope and transformation.

I am still learning that I am good enough in God’s eyes that my insecurities are the devil’s ways of trying to lure me back to prison.

But
I
Have
Been
SET
FREE.

I am truly free.

My story is a story of hope. With God, there is no such thing as a “lost cause”. Whatever your struggle is, God is SO much bigger than that. Let Him love you.

Once upon a time there was a girl with long luscious hair. Her name was Serena. Serena was a prisoner of Satan for many years. She believed there was no hope for her. Then one fateful day, there came a Man and God by the name of Jesus Christ who rescued her. He annihilated her shackles, defeated the enemy, and lovingly embraced her. He gave her freedom. Despite her fear, Jesus Christ never gave up on her. Steadily, Serena is walking beside God into a happily ever after.

And it is far from the end.

Boundaries

The day I left San Diego for Northwest University, I won’t forget. I was at the airport about 2 hours early. I made it through security without having to wait long, and near my terminal, I waited for the plane that would take me to a new life. As time ticked slowly away, and I stared blankly out the window, I began to cry. Hard. I think I even scared away a family sitting near me.

I cried for my mom, having to leave her behind.

I cried out of fear, going somewhere new. I would have to start over again.

I cried leaving behind friends, family and unfinished business.

I cried for what I know was the loss of a friendship that was raw on my heart. It was an emotional slap in my face. Everything from my heart to my pride hurt.

As I sat there, I decided to pull out my Bible and do something with that time instead of crying. I have since forgotten the verses I wrote down (I think I have them somewhere), but as I went through the Word, I was led to passages with similar messages: the Lord is my strength. The Lord is with me. There is nothing to fear.

With hope in my heart, I dried my eyes, and finally I was able to face my next step.

I’ve been at NU for a little over a month, I can’t even wrap my head around that! It seems like only yesterday I saw my best friends and my mom. In this time, I’ve made a good amount of new friends, both boys and girls. However, it was difficult for me to talk to guys at first. I was terrified, mostly because of that friendship I lost.

It left me frightened of even looking at other guys in case they got the wrong idea…which became a problem.

I was sick of it. I hated being afraid of joking around with guys, of introducing myself, of getting up and walking away as a (now) guy friend would come sit next to me. I was tired of this fear. I know that what happened the week before I left was a learning-process for me.

I always thought I was a master of my emotions to some extent, and my loss told me otherwise. I didn’t want to create the same problem here.

So in my first couple of weeks I read a book that I bought while at home called “The Divine Matchmaker” (Remember…Serena is a hopeless romantic!…but that’s not why I bought the book.). After reading that, after much prayer, and asking my roommate, and 2 other girls to keep me accountable with this particular area, I created a list of boundaries for me. Boundaries that I know will help me and has helped me (immensely)  thus far.

And I want to share them with you! So that whether you’re here at NU with me or at home, you can help keep me accountable! :)

1. Hello high-fives and goodbye hugging (The Physical)!

• I am an EXTREMELY affectionate person. I LOVE hugs. I love touching people (that sounded creepy…). Touch might even be one of my love languages. Yet, I know that this is one of my “gateways to destruction”, I suppose one could say. I really love to hug guys. Especially when they’re much taller than me. There’s something warm and comforting about their hugs. I feel safe. Yet, I know it is a gateway because for me, especially here at NU, would be out of my loneliness and desire for touch of another…and that’s okay if it comes from girls. It’s not okay when it comes to guys because I will become dependent.
• What IS allowed are high-fives in greeting, in awesome jokes, in whatever! Those are good!
• On the occasions where a hug is just necessary (if going home for winter break and I have good guy friends, going home and seeing guy friends from there, or if I am hugged first…etc.(/whenever I deem the rule allowed to have an exception…), I will master the “Christian side-hug”, I know you know what those are. ;)
• I can still touch. C’mon people, you know I’m a hitter. And in encouragement, I pat people on the shoulder.
• Hugging family members are okay! Gotta love on my brothers and nephews!!

2. Time Management (The In-between)!

• I really wanted to make a rule that I wouldn’t be in a car alone with a guy, but for practicalities, I had to abolish this rule (until next year…). However, the rule is to not spend time alone with a guy (one-on-one) in a secluded space (i.e. going off-campus). It’s not that I don’t trust them, but I don’t trust me. I don’t trust my emotions. Also, I don’t need rumors. In a “bridal college/ring by spring school”, rumors spread like butter.
• It’s okay if I sit one-on-one in the Caf, or the Aerie, etc..as long as it’s public!
• It’s okay if I’m the only girl in a group of guys. Sometimes I like this! Sometimes it’s just fun hanging out with the guys!

3. Holding Out for a Hero (The Emotional)!

• Thus far, everything has been physical and situational, now it’s time for the emotional…my greatest obstacle.
• “Don’t let anyone make you feel inferior without your consent.” I am a daughter of The King. I am made wonderfully. <—One day, maybe, some man will see that and he’s going to pursue me. So why worry until then?
• Instead, I’m wrapping my life, my passions, and my desires around God. If you know me well, you know my deepest desire: I want to be married. Yet, in this time, I’ve sought God instead of my own selfish desires…that “big dream” of mine isn’t important anymore. PRAISE THE LORD.
• I am emotionally dependent on God. I rely on my sisters in Christ to keep me accountable, and I grow with my brothers in Christ as a family. God is my rock, not the boy with the beautiful smile. Yes, my brother in Christ, my guy friend, cares about me, but I can’t become dependent on him. He won’t make my problems disappear.
• Don’t make that boy my “go-to”. Don’t let him be the one I confide to. I have sisters in Christ for that. I won’t tell a guy friend something I’m not comfortable sharing in a group.
• That “boy with the cute smile” or “the tall guy with the kind eyes”, whoever he is to me or to you…one day, he’s going to be someone else’s husband. Not mine. I will honor that.
• Above all, I except my brothers in Christ to honor and respect me as a sister, as a human, as a friend. I’m going to do the same right back.

So this list may alter a little as I grow, as I become more comfortable with my emotions, or if (Heaven forbid…for now) I enter a relationship, but here it is in a nutshell. I know some of my ideas may seem…radical, but this is what works for me. Hugging isn’t bad, having a guy (if you’re a girl) be your ultimate “best friend” (or vice versa) isn’t bad. Being alone in cars or private settings aren’t bad either. It all depends on what works for YOU; and I highly suggest you make a concrete list like this! Tell a close girl friend and pray together over it!

Above all else, chase after God and guard your heart carefully. He’s the only One you and I should be pursuing in a season of singleness. Think about it: you have the rest of your life to be married. You only have a season to be single. Think of ALL the things you can do for the Lord in this time with nothing to hold you back. Spend this time growing in love with Christ, going on mission trips, doing well in school, discovering who you are, creating meaningful friendships. Spend this time learning and accepting that you are a worthy, beautiful masterpiece. When the time is right, God will bring the right boy man in your life. That man is going to fight for you. He’s going to pursue you. He’ll romance you, and you and I will have our love stories. Even then, he will never be more important than Him, the One who gave you ‘him’. :)

God bless!

Through Christ,

Serena.