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Three Words

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This time of year has always been the most important time of year to me, even more so than New Year’s. The end of December/beginning of January never really felt like much of a transitional time. Growing up, it was a time to attend a ton of church services, having to say no to friend functions (for the church services), and family gatherings (that often followed stomach-clenching guilt–but that’s another story for another day). As an an adult, New Year’s is more of a time to see friends, drink something bubbly, and watch the ball drop more out of habit than excitement.

Instead, this odd window of time between Summer and Fall feels the most renewing, as if anything between now and next summer can happen.

Perhaps this feeling comes from the back-to-school rush, as I’ve always been excited by fresh school supplies and the new school year, because to me it mean relationships, learning, and new memories. Or maybe I started to love it when I left California for the first time and my mentor, over coffee on a hot San Diego day told me “you can go to Washington and get a fresh start and be whoever you want to be.”

Either way, the end of August, the window between Summer and Fall is as good as holy ground.

Three years ago, two very important people introduced me to the author Shauna Niequist who I highly admire and respect. Niequist, in a blog, penned the idea of four words that she hopes to focus on for her New Year (find that blog here). The idea would be that these words would guide her throughout her year.

As for me, my new year always starts in August. And, instead of four words, I have three:
Dare. Savor. Honest. 

1. Dare
This will be the first time in my academic career in which I will no longer be a student, as I finished up my Master’s Degree this July. Earning that degree was probably the hardest thing I have ever worked on or achieved. In doing so, I had to say “no” a lot. No to friends wanting to go out because I had to study. No to being with family for the holidays because of my tight school schedule that interfered with the days I could work. No to taking care of myself because my anxiety dictated that school mattered more than my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. Also, my anxious tendencies often result in me saying no to the things I’d love to try.

So, for this year, my word is dare. Dare to say yes. Say yes to being a twenty-something with a new full-time job, but reconnecting with old friends. Dare to take the chance on a new job (which ironically keeps me on the August-June school calendar as I will be a school-based therapist!) and leave comfort behind. Dare to be honest about who I am and who I am not and sharing my heart. Dare to do the things I only dreamed about. Dare.

2. Savor.

The past two years of my life have been strictly scheduled because of Grad School. With that schedule, I operated in a fast-paced motion of “go, go, go”, constantly working on a new project, paper, study guide, or getting chapters read for the next class…on top of working full-time (year one of grad school), or work and internship (year two). Eating was done while catching up on paperwork, and meal prepping was done while reading a textbook, and unfortunately, life flew by.

So this year, I’m focusing on savoring the present moments. Of enjoying every last minute of this life I get to live by being around people I love and doing the things I love. And for the difficult times that I know will happen, because life isn’t gumdrops and rainbows, I still hope to slow down and allow myself to be present in the moment, wholly committed to living the life I have been given, because, as Gretchen Rubin one pointed out: the days are long, and the years are short. Too true, Gretchen, too true.

3. Honest.

I want to be honest with myself and my feelings. I hope to be courageous in facing my limitations and acknowledging the things I am gifted in. I hope to show the people I love that I love them with honest action instead of keeping the words rolling around in my heart. I want to be honest about my responsibilities as well as hold people accountable to their own responsibilities. This year, I hope for more honesty, both my own and the people around me.

This will be a very big year for me, and I hope to see the words dare, savor, and honest, play key themes in my story.

What words do you hope will inspire your year?


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Filed under Christian Life, Memoir, Personal, Post Grad, Relational

Dissonance is Bliss

We get so caught up in our imperfections that we forget to see perfection. It’s kind of weird for me, a perfectionist, to think about something like this. I mean, if I want my projects to be perfect, shouldn’t I be striving for perfection in my body, in my relationships, and everywhere else?

There is a saying that goes as follows: “dissonance is bliss”. My friend has it tattooed on his back. Dissonance is a term that is commonly used in music and in psychology (and for my friend he has used it musically).

I don’t think I’ve truly understood the concept until recently.

In all my perfectionist ways I still have a love and appreciation for things that are so wonderfully imperfect. I love the gap between the teeth of a boy who is self-conscious about the rather large spacing. I love the chaotic loudness of a bunch of friends I’ve known for the past several years yelling and rambling about rather geeky and vulgar topics. I love the imperfection that is clear all over my body and heart because it screams SO loudly of the redemptive and perfect grace God continues to weave into my life.

As a perfectionist striving for “the ultimate” in everything, I have become quite happy with the imperfect dissonance that I have.

I wish so many people would begin to find such joys too. It’s a waste of time, breath, and emotion to berate ourselves chasing these ridiculous ideas of what the perfect body, boy, girl, insert every other thing we try to perfect, is.

To try to perfect what is already made perfect by Christ is a waste of energy and an insult to a perfect gift (my friend would say the same every time she cooks an amazing meal and I douse it in Siracha sauce—I’ve ruined what didn’t need to be ruined, apparently) already in our hands.

So, this is my plea to love. Love the heck out of what you have and who you are, because that is among the most perfect things you can ever do.

Dissonance is bliss. I finally understand.

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Filed under Christian Life, Christianity, College Years